You deserve fulfilling relationships in the workplace. Leaders can make that happen.
Sarah experienced something surprising as the CFO of her company: People don’t know who she is. They may have heard her name, but they weren’t putting a face to the name because many hadn’t seen it. She spent most of her time working diligently in her office. Until the day she decided to join a regular, open invitation after-lunch walk.
“People asked, ‘Who are you?’” Sarah said. “I thought, ‘I need to be out there more. I just can’t lock myself in my office. Part of being an effective leader is to be inspirational.”
The inspiration goes both ways: According to the Society for Human Resource Management, when people have strong workplace relationships, they’re more likely to experience increased motivation (83 percent) and a better overall mood at work (85 percent). Given that Americans spend one-third of their lives at work with their colleagues — often more time than with our own families – it’s easy to see why fulfilling workplace relationships are essential not only to our job performance, but our well-being, too. So what’s getting in the way? It starts with the foundation of any relationship: communication.
Three levels of communication in workplace relationships
In her book Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time, Susan Scott frames workplace communication as taking place in layers in her “three levels of conversation” framework.
- Level one consists of the functional, task-focused stuff. “When’s the report due?” “Did you send the invoice?” This level of communication is necessary, but it doesn’t do much for building relationships. It usually happens over direct messages, email, and texts stripped of voice, tone, and personality.
- Level two communications are known as positional conversations. This level goes a little deeper by inviting opinions and perspectives. You might engage in debates, brainstorm ideas, or exchange feedback. The needle moves slightly on emotions and vulnerability, but only in the context of work.
- Scott titled Level Three Communication Transformational Conversations. It does just that—transform relationships. Co-workers exchange career aspirations and personal stories, and give and receive genuine feedback. Leaders and direct reports both admit mistakes and lessons learned, and authentically share hopes, fears, and values.
All three levels are necessary for work to happen, but only transformational conversations build trust, human connection, and psychological safety—the stuff that fulfilling relationships are made of.
Why leaders get stuck
Most leaders operate at levels one and two, and it’s not always their fault.
Many were taught to “stay professional” and to separate the personal from the workplace. I’ve seen this repeatedly in my clients, brilliant, capable leaders who unintentionally distance themselves from their teams. However, as they grow as executives and entrepreneurs, so do the needs of the people they lead, who want someone they can trust and feel connected to.
One of my clients used to define a strong leader as someone competent, technically proficient, and results-driven. Feedback from his reports, though, also included “uncomfortable opening up” and “distant.” They didn’t feel he was someone they could go to with problems and concerns, and they craved a more authentic connection with him.
My client felt energized to evolve past his professionally distant persona. “I’m empowered because I know that’s what people need from me,” he said.
How to level up
Here’s how you can level up and create the bonds that lead to stronger relationships at work.
- Be intentional about shifting levels.
Get off task-oriented autopilot and start noticing the conversations you’re having. Are they stuck at level one or two? Look for natural openings to go deeper. A simple, “How are you really doing?” can open the door.
Set aside time for casual chats, walking meetings, in-person or virtual team lunches, and informal check-ins. Ask open-ended questions that invite more than one-word answers, like “What’s been the highlight of your week?” or “What’s something you’re excited about?”
Transformational conversations can also happen during more formalized moments, too. Some companies now require managers to have quarterly, 15-minute conversations with direct reports that focus solely on career goals and aspirations. - Respect boundaries.
Not everyone is ready to open up immediately. Sometimes, you need to go slow to go fast. Build trust gradually and let relationships deepen at a pace that feels natural. Respect that everyone’s timeline is different, as are cultural norms and customs. - Model vulnerability.
I encourage my clients to remember these three words: “You go first.” Leaders set the tone, and that’s often by doing the scary thing first. For many people, displaying vulnerability at work is scary, so it’s up to leaders to show them it’s safe. Share stories of mistakes you’ve made and the lessons you learned, talk about your hopes and dreams, and speak openly about your values. When you model vulnerability, you give others the permission to do the same.
As a leader, you can help make work a more human and fulfilling place for you and your team. Remember to go first, to go slow to go fast, and to look for ways to make every day transformational.
My book, Saving Face: How to Preserve Dignity and Build Trust, illustrates how we can honor face to create positive first impressions, avoid causing others to lose face, and, most importantly, help others save face to build trust and lasting relationships inside and outside the workplace.
This article was originally posted on Inc.com